Some say it is 5:1.  Others say 3:1.  Whatever the case may be, the fact of the matter is that in order for a non-Greek male to enter a fraternity party he must be accompanied by more than one female.  If not, a rejection at the door is guaranteed to happen.

On October 16, 2009, the ratio reached new heights as Harry Thosenhall and his eleven lady friends got the no-go at the entryway of an unnamed fraternity house.   When the bouncer declined admittance, Thosenhall was in so much disbelief that he vocally numbered off the girls to ensure that the guardians of the door were seeing correctly.

This act of desperation proved to be counterproductive as the eleven girls proceeded to perform a military-like count-off that not only scared the surrounding bystanders but also Thosenhall himself.  After this intimidating roll call, Thosenhall denied affiliation with this group of eleven aspiring Marines and instead headed back to his dorm to play a round of Scrabble with his suitemates.

LOS ANGELES- The newest mutated form of the H1N1 flu virus has had a bizarre effect on one female student at the University of Southern California. Janice Odwallan, a member of one of the school’s better-known Greek sororities, has transformed into a rare breed of pig.

20 year-old Odwallan, now nicknamed Babe, has turned into the ‘Sus ahoenobarbus’ species, more commonly known as the Palawan Bearded Pig. This variety is indigenous to the Balabac, Palawan, and the Calamian islands in the Philippines and is almost impossible to find out of their natural surroundings.

“It was so sudden,” said Michelle Weightman, one of Odwallan’s sorority pledge sisters and self-proclaimed ‘BFF,” “Her face started changing, then her body, and in a matter of days she had become a full fledged boar!”

Several other girls living in the sorority house have begun to display signs of swine-like features, with sprouting whiskers and growing snouts being the two most common early symptoms. The house has been put under quarantine as per WHO guidelines and an internal memorial service will be held at the house this week in memory of Odwallan’s human life.

College students have been known to support efforts geared toward saving the planet.  Whether it is driving a Prius or recycling on a daily basis, we all try to do our part.  However, two USC freshmen have taken their part to a whole new level.

Stacie Jabble and Jamie Loufa have started a bold initiative in the fight for water conservation by showering together.  Stacie is a green activist, while Jamie on the other hand believes she is saving the whales.  This idea for water conservation apparently started as an attempted joke from the freshman boys next door.  A simple statement of “why don’t you two just shower together?” has now turned into a full environmental movement.

“Operation: Save the Whales” has now spread throughout campus dorms.  Frank Happa, a New North resident, stated “I can’t believe this type of thing is going down just 45 feet from my room.  I almost fainted when I heard about it!”

So the next time you see two girls walking out of the bathroom together, give them a round of applause.

College tours are the epitome of predictability. The mother who doesn’t stop asking questions.  The tour guide’s customary one-liner: “I am going to be walking backwards, so holler if I am going to run into anything.” The useless historical facts regarding each building on campus.  But, who would have ever thought a little brother would try to eat the walls of Leavey Library during an informational stroll around the school?

“Honestly, it doesn’t surprise me one bit.  The walls are absolutely gross.  And, OH-MY-LORD, cotton candy is just so gross.  And children just love gross things.  I once babysat this little piece of—–,” says USC sophomore Alicia Hulapinon.

Sammy Bicen, the hungry eight year-old, cannot be blamed.  The walls do present a cotton candy-esque contrast of pink and blue.  College tours sure do test the patience of a potential applicant, let alone an 8 year-old little sibling.   And when the inter-campus carnival is being set up in McCarthy Quad on that day, who is to point the finger at a young child for trying to find the nearby cotton candy stand?

“It actually tasted alright,” says Sammy, “Sure, I hadn’t eaten anything that day, but I really think USC is on to something with that recipe.  It could sell big-time in that TroGro place.”

Since the incident, USC has commissioned an interior makeover.  The blue has been painted over with pink, giving Leavey’s walls one pigment throughout the entire building.  Leavey Library sure is making a statement of how comfortable it is with its masculinity, but what happens when the little sister is upset by the lack of pink in her pack of Starbursts?

Starbucks. Some hate it.  Most love it.  For Julia Jacobs-Jones-Meyerson, she absolutely has to have it. As diabetics would certainly falter without their insulin, Meyerson would have a tough time staying awake in Writing 140 without her grande chocolate-caramel-double-shot-hold-the-whipped-cream latte. But that’s not the worst of it, it can only come from stand-alone Starbucks stores.

Julia has tried getting her caffeine fix from Starbucks chains that are inside other stores like the ones in airports, etc., but each attempt has been a complete failure, with her last try providing no exception. After vomiting all over bystanders precisely 4.3 seconds after tasting her grande chocolate-caramel-double-shot-hold-the-whipped-cream latte from the Starbucks within local Trojan Grounds, Julia stormed back to her room and promptly called her daddy. She finally stopped wailing after he promised to buy her an even more expensive dress than the one that now had over-priced sushi from the night before crusted all over it.

When asked about the incident, Julia was only able to mutter “but…but…but…” before storming off once again. However her father was able to relay that Julia now wakes up at 4:30 every morning so that after the hour trip to her favorite Starbucks and back, she still has time to curl her hair a third time before heading to class. Hey, at least that double shot will keep her awake.

It’s no myth that human beings have a natural level of self-consciousness. Marlon Didochen, sophomore, is apparently no different.  Students at Doheny Library were in a state of shock yesterday when Didochen decided to open his bag-pack both slowly and loudly at 11pm last night.

Didochen, who was about to start his research on an edible cure for the munchies, realized that he had left his Dell Inspiron 1000 in his brand new Powerpuff Girls’ school bag. As he bent over and started unzipping the bag, out came a loud whizzing sound.

Students at the library, who were busy preparing for their midterm, appeared horrified at the ghastly screech the zip presented. Librarian Cosmo Hurtileshin stated that it is “absolutely unacceptable to make such disgusting sounds in an environment meant for bettering the students’ grades.”  Didochen now refuses to enter Doheny and instead resorts to booking private group study rooms at Leavey for when he needs to work in order to avoid this future embarrassment.

It’s alright.  We can all admit that we creep a little on Facebook. Unfortunately one incoming student took the creeping to a whole new level this summer when she friended every single student in the USC class of 2013.

By attempting to gain popularity before entering the school, Tiffany Stantonia decided that it would be a bright idea to friend all of the incoming freshmen regardless of whether or not she was familiar with them.  Tiffany justifies this behavior by saying:

“We are all going to be at the same school, so we might as well be acquaintances on Facebook.  I still do not see a problem in the fact that I gained 3,000 FB friends this summer.”

Because of this socially suicidial move, she has solidified her reputation as “that weird girl who friended me over summer?”  Students claim that conversations with Tiffany have included comments like “Oh, you play field hockey?” or “I saw you wrote on Justin’s wall. Who is he?” It has since been determined that she has memorized everybody’s relationship statuses, interests, Farmville collections, etc., so do not be alarmed if she happens to know your favorite activity is “bumpin’ gangsta rap in my Land Cruiser.”